Wednesday, August 24, 2005

After Pat Robertson’s comments advocating for an intelligence operative to polish off the Venezuelan president, one might wonder what other Christian victuals Robertson offers on his website.

But fret not, the 700 Club is happily filled with enough snake oil to nourish every faithful Christian and keep them focused on the Divine.

Protein pancakes to ward off aging, a quiz to test ones spiritual quotient; testimonials of miraculous cures; a poll of viewers opinion (…just to make sure everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid); a rallying cry for foot soldiers in Operation Supreme Court Freedom (amazingly the same dub as used in Bush's Iraqi war); and yet another call to arms, this time for the upcoming Supreme Court battle.

Geez, can you feel all the love?

Pat offers sweet restoration, unless you’re pro-choice, advocate sex ed, same-sex union, pastoral feminism or any other deviant notion or behavior as spelled out by the reverend leader.

Fortunately for blonde, blue-eyed Emma, she was one of the faithful. One day as she watched the 700 Club, Pat proclaimed his healing powers across the air waves and she was touched.

‘There is a person suffering from headaches.' Robertson cried out. ‘There are serious problems but God is healing you.'

Amen, Brother Robertson; lo and behold, in a supernatural flash, Emma was cured from her paralyzing migraines.

Now lest any person want added proof of miracles, even more amazing stories are linked, only they have zilch to do with Robertson's healing powers.

For the curious, these delectables are available on the site: “Breaking the Bondage of Bulimia,” “Finding Daddy,” “Single, Saved…And Not Having Sex,” “Chasing Perfection,” and free bumper stickers for all.

Now as to Pat's call for liquidation, he recently told us, "We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one...strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job..."

Just in case he was really serious and needs to raise money to carry it out, be sure to sign-up as a CBN partner. Membership to the Founders Club, a mere $417 a month, to the 2500 Club, $209, to the 1000 Club, $84, to the 700 Club Gold, $40, and the lowest membership at hand, the $700 Club, a dribble at $20 a m0nth.

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